I have a solution for everyone who wants to partake in #DeleteFacebook.
Me!
I will not do it for free. I will charge you for the service so you don’t feel like you are the product. I will tell you what I will provide, but first let me tell you what I need. I need you to give me the following:
- All your personal details (don’t need your location, just keep your GPS on).
- All your pictures.
- All your friends’ names and numbers.
- All your personal choices including which show you like and what restaurants you go to.
- All the gory details of your life like your relationship status, the day you got married and the day you had your braces removed.
- All the stuff you hate but want to show you like.
In return, here is how I will service you:
- I will watch what you do and tell you similar things that have no relevance in your life.
- I will be sure to let you know if your friend traveled from one airport to the other.
- I will show you a terrible video which you were not interested in the first place, again and again and trap you in that world forever.
- I will make a terrible slideshow of folks you haven’t met since college and tell you to enjoy your friendship together.
- I will congratulate you on your marriage even after your divorce.
- I will connect you to ‘that’ man or woman who you have never talked to but secretly wish to be connected. And if you get excited, I will show you his or her spouse’s picture.
- I will be sure to let you know any time your friends have political opinions. I know how much this matters to you. In fact, if you want, just ‘like’ those posts, and I will pummel you with more.
- If you try to get help from your friends, I will alert none of your friends that you want help, and instead bring you a person you once met at a conference years ago to make a controversial statement about it.
- I will make you look like you have the most perfect life, even if you are miserable about everything.
- I will connect you to folks who want to sell you everything based on the personal details you give me. In fact, they may have some good deals which they will want you to tell others through me.
- On some days, without warning, I will surprise you with a painful reminder of how you were, or how you lost a loved one or stuff for which you weren’t prepared at all. I will tell you how I thought you’d like to remember this even though I don’t know what your mood is precisely when I show it to you.
- I will bring you hundreds and hundreds of pictures of babies, dogs, mountains, ancient ruins and pets. Strangers’ babies. Friends’ dogs. Stray unaffiliated pets. I will never tire of bringing them to you. If you want, I will create a slideshow of dogs for you.
- In exchange for the ability to learn what your ex-girlfriend thinks about guns (she is not in favor), please know that you are giving me your data forever so that I can give it to, honestly, anyone. Anyone who wants it – I don’t really care!
- I will gladly provide all these services, while recording everything you do and sharing this information with random unscrupulous strangers, if you or any of your friends has ever succumbed to the desire to take a quiz or checked out how you would look 50 years from now, or who your best friend in your last life was or how you would look if you were of the opposite sex or who your Bollywood Star lookalike is. Sorry!
- I will repeatedly reassure you that your privacy is very important to me. Thus, every so often, without asking your permission first, I will automatically let everyone in your network see absolutely everything and require you to go through several complicated steps to change this back.
But if you are still questioning if I am worth it, here is some more things I will do for you:
- I will tell you every random person’s birthday forcing you to wish them even if you don’t want to.
- I will tell you how everyone’s lives look even if they are taking pictures in a random settings and calling them their house.
- I will reassure you a thousand times a day that you are the best dancer, model or singer, even if you can’t do it for nuts.
- I will allow you to take your pictures however horrible they are and share them around so that everyone thinks you are a celebrity.
- I will do the above to the point that you think you are celebrity.
- And I will make every one of your friends like everything you do, even if it is worthy of social suicide. In fact, I will encourage all your friends to say good things about you, (even if they disagree deep inside), just to help your self-esteem.
Most important, I will give you a reason to hate everyone you love!
Got you. Didn’t I. You won’t be able to get me out of your life (forget delete – since you can’t delete me).
P.S. You really want to delete yourself from Facebook? Some say, it’s a much better alternative to me. Don’t hate me. I know you love me. I love myself. That’s why I am on Facebook too!
Supply Chain Boy 
I love this post!
Really good details on those unfortunate Facebook features, lol.
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Thank you.
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